Southeast of Disorder

It’s still true: If it can’t be fried and served on a stick, it ain’t worth eatin’ at the State Fair of Texas (Sept. 28 through Oct. 21 in Dallas). According to a fair (meaning “from the fair,” not “so-so”) press release, [n]ew culinary delights this year include:

· Deep Fried Latte – “Fried pastry, cappuccino ice cream, caramel sauce, whipped cream, and instant coffee powder.” (The three essential food groups – caffeine, sugar and grease – in one delicious … uh, fried thing!)

· Fried Cookie Dough – “Chilled cookie dough, battered and fried.” (This treat won this year’s contest – for real.)

· Fried Guacamole Bites – “Scoop of guacamole, breaded and fried, served with ranch dressing or salsa.” (Evidently part of the rumored “cholesterol coup” being planned south of the border.)

· Country Pride Peach Cobbler on a Stick – “Peach cobbler with dumplings rolled in pastry dough and fried, covered in brown sugar and cinnamon, and skewered.” (What? No cream gravy?)

· B.W.’s Original Fried Banana Pudding – “Banana pudding inside fried tortilla, topped with whipped cream and powdered sugar or cinnamon.” (Stick provided to help beat off simian thieves.)

· Mama’s Fried Sweet Potato Pie – “Pie filling inside flour tortilla, fried and topped with powdered sugar and cinnamon.” (Whose mama came up with this?)

· Cajun Shrimp On A Stick – “Spicy shrimp in a custom Cajun batter, fried and served with a choice of dipping sauce.” (Custom batters are infinitely preferable to those dreary “standard” ones.)

· Deep Fried Cosmopolitan – “A delicious fried pastry is filled with rich cheesecake and topped with a sweet & tangy cranberry glaze and a lime wedgie. Served on a stick.” (Lime wedgie?)

· Donkey Tails – “Large all-beef franks, slit on one side and generously stuffed with sharp cheddar cheese, are wrapped tightly in a large flour tortilla and fried until golden brown. Served with mustard, chili, or Ruth’s salsa.” (At least it’s not a more personal part of the donkey, which – along with the corresponding parts of bulls and rams – some companies actually turn into dog chews.)

· Fernie’s Fried Mac ‘n Cheese – “Texas-sized bites of macaroni & cheese, covered with a layer of garlic & herb-flavored bread crumbs, are deep fried until crispy outside and hot & cheesy inside. Served on a stick with a side of dipping sauces.” (Take that, Kraft!)

· Fernie’s Fried Choco-rito – “A flour tortilla – stuffed with marshmallows, coconut, candy bar pieces, caramel morsels and cinnamon – is dipped in pancake batter and deep fried to a crispy, crunchy outside and sweet, gooey inside. Drizzled with honey and topped with whipped cream.” (It’s the pancake batter surrounding the tortilla that makes this one truly special.)

· Fernie’s Fried Chili Frito Burrito – “Chili and Fritos inside flour tortilla, fried and topped with choice of cheese sauce, shredded cheddar, jalapeños, sour cream, hot sauce, and onions.” (Fernie must be stopped.)

· Fried Avocadoes – “Hand-battered chunks of scrumptious avocado are breaded and fried to perfection. Choice of dipping sauces. A culinary hit in California” (which, if you ask me, is enough reason to ban it from Texas).

· Fried Coke – “Smooth spheres of Coca Cola-flavored batter are deep fried, drizzled with pure Coke fountain syrup, topped with whipped cream, cinnamon sugar and a cherry. Served in souvenir contoured glasses” (on a stick).

· Fried Pancake Sundae – “Tasty country sausage bites wrapped in a light pancake batter, deep fried to perfection , topped with whipped cream, lightly glazed with hot fudge sauce and finished with a cherry on top. Pineapple and strawberry glaze options available.” (This one left me speechless.)

· Fried Praline Perfection – “Guaranteed to melt in your mouth. Plump coconut and pecan pralines, battered and fried to a rich golden crust. Served warm with powdered sugar.” (There’s no such thing as “too rich.”)

· Melon Monroe – “Honeydew melon sauce ladled over chocolate-chip ice cream, topped with whipped cream then garnished with two fried-dough, shaped ‘legs’ filled with a special caramel sauce. Served fresh out of the fryer.” (Norma Jean must be so proud.)

· Deep-Fried Death Row Inmates (not in the fair’s press release, but nevertheless a novel solution to Texas prison overcrowding.)